Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Help I have lost myself....has anybody seen me?

So I am feeling "lost"  It seems that for so long (since before DeLoy died) that I have been spending all my time taking care of my family at home or my extended family who is in need.  It has literally been years and can I admit that I am getting burned out? Does that make me a bad person? I hope not. I don't feel like a bad person, but i catch myself praying that things slow down.  That life slows down. I have not had a paying job in over a year and ironically enough I feel like I have been busier this last year than when I did have a job. I liked having a job. It got me away. It let me interact with the public, I felt normal.  I am suppose to be the Humanitarian Aid leader in our Ward, but honestly I have no more time to give.  In order for me to give time to that project and try to motivate a bunch of ladies who haven't done any humanitarian work in YEARS I have to either take that time from my family at home or extended family.  Guess what? My extended family needs me more, especially with my mothers new cancer.  I was talking to my Relief Society President the other day and I said "any project I put together, no one participates and I do the entire thing myself." If I had teh capacity to donate and serve in a humanitarian way I would.  I told her what had been going on and what I was doing.  She said I was doing exactly what I needed to be and they need to release me cause when given the calling it was not taken into account my previous committments.  But how was she to know what this year held? 

So back to lost Charity......

Who is this lady? What does she like to do? Who are her friends? Does she have any hobbies?

Well I am going to be honest and say that I am not sure exactly who Charity is right now.  I am 30 ish and deffinately different than I was before, but I have gotten sidetracked and kind of lost my love for a lot of things.  I spend so much time catering to other people that I don't remember what I used to be like.

What do I like to do? Well I am an avid reader, and this is good and bad.  I read and I read fast. I get lost in books, but maybe that is because I need the break and that is teh only way I know how to get it right now.  I will read instead of do housework. I even read in teh bathtub.  Whenever I think that I shouldn't read so much I freak out.  Sounds like I have an addiction huh?

Who are my friends?  Now let's clarify friends, I am refering to friends outside of my immediate family.  So my mother, sisters and grandma don't count.  I have 1 friend, she is moving to Utah next week.  I am so excited to have her around. I miss friendship so much. I have a million acquaitances but alas, friends I can count on one hand.  I don't seem to fit in with the ladies in Millville, except for the non-member lady on teh corner who I enjoy a lot and I look past her drinking and smoking because we all need friends right?  Maybe it will turn into more than neighborly and we can truely be friends......maybe.

Do I have any hobbies?  Well sure my hobbies are whatever anyone else is doing in the family. So I am learning how to snowboard right now.  Do I like it? Not particularily but I will conquer it so I am not left out. I also ride 4 wheelers.  Do I like it? Kind of, but I do it to spend time with Scottie.  Cooking? Well lately it's been more of a chore than hobby.  Honestly after 15 years of being married, I am tired of figuring out what is for dinner, so if we have spaghetti more than 1 time a week, you know why. Reading? well it is more of a obsession used to "get away". Going to the gym? I hate going to the gym, but it is good for me and Scott goes so I do to spend more time with him.  See what I mean? I have no idea what I would like to do for a hobby.  I have no personal interests, sucks huh?

Well so this year, as we move forward I am working on myself.  I want a hobby. I want a friend (that one will be easy, she will be here the day after Christmas) I want Scott to do something with ME because I like it and I am passionate about it.  I will figure out who Charity Renee Kidman is and then I will be a better person because of it.  I wish I could say that I would stop giving myself completely to other people, but I am not sure that will happen because my mother will need me this coming year to help get through chemo, but we are going to cross fingers and toes that that is the end of our family drama.


Tamy said...

Maybe you should look into the community centers and start taking one class a month to see if you like it. And try stuff you normal wouldn't do you may find a hidden talent. Maybe you should join a book club that meet once a month, you never know. I am glad your friend is moving here maybe you guys can try classes together. Hang in there you will get through this mid life crisis just don't do anything crazy

Denise said...

Honey, even I don't know what will happen this year. I am scared, but we will ALL survive (I hope). When I was about your age, I started taking college classes just to get out, and I ended up graduating. There are things out there, you just need to schedule time for you. I really will understand. Hang in there. Hey, look at Brigderland for classes, that might be fun.